Sunday, November 18, 2012

99 Red Balloons

*Warning: This post went straight from my head to this. Ever want to know what someone was thinking? Well here you go. A nice sneak peak inside the head of a pissed off girl that cant get over the past.*

"Let your past make you better, not bitter."

On Thanksgiving Im continuing on with tradition. I will spend the 1st half of thanksgiving with my moms side of the family and for dessert I will head over to my ex-pastors house. Im not inviting myself over. They have always had an open invite for people that have no place to go on Thanksgiving. I like routine, patterns, and traditions. Thats why I decided that Im going even though we are not exactly friends. It is important for me to spend yet another Thanksgiving with my best friend and people that I have grown up with.

I havent seen that man in almost a year. Honestly, I am a bit scared. Do I just waltz into his house and pretend like its not weird?

The thing is Im still angry and I know I shouldnt be. No one truly understands the damage that occurred to me in the situation. I put walls up when I feel threatened and I built some high walls regarding him...and the church. Sometimes I wonder to myself if Im making everything out to be a bigger deal than it is. Am I just using it as an excuse? I want an explanation from him though. I have seen it happen before. Friends become foes. Not in the way it happened between us. Maybe that will make things better? An explanation on what was going through his head?

I just hate that when I think about my church, he pops into my mind. I get angry and my heart literally hurts. It beats faster and I feel like crying. Everybody tells me to get over it, because he does not go there any more. They just dont understand. How could they when I still cant wrap my head around it?

I sound like Im talking about a fucking ex-boyfriend! He was my damn pastor for gods sake! I should not be having these problems.

Tradition is important to me. Im not just going to their house because I want to see him...right?

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